2:35 left

Im getting better all the time, it’s just that i don’t feel it. I just sent out the mass intentions envelope. Before that, i went into the chapel for awhile to pray. I can trust me friends yes, they know what is right that’s for sure. But when it comes to my dreams and hopes, they can only bounce back, amplify what i want and feel. They also help sieve out the bad ones from the good ones. This is a good thing and can be a bad thing. Still, i am constantly remembering that i’m getting better, undoing years and years of bad habits and things can be bad. It really messed up my worldview and how i see myself. The amount of necessary personal mental stress that i placed myself over these years, has made me lose myself. Now, i am seeing things more, and getting better at being who i am step by step. It may be slow but steady.

I took a double dosage of the medication last night, but i won’t today. I really do think that i had a good sleep last night, except for the dream i had during the last few minutes or so. I won’t write about it, i’d rather forget it. At the end of the day, dreams are nothing if we don’t do anything about it, and it’s a dream that’s not real. I noticed the feelings from last night’s dream: fear, stress, love and everything in one big hollywood movie cocktail. It’s strange that, everything goes away, when i remember one thing; R saying “I am here”. I just want to say my struggles keeping from contacting her is not because people told me to do it, saying that it is the most loving thing in the world i can do, but is because that i respect that space. It was that space that brought me to her, and that space i abused.

In the chapel i was reminded so much how i’ve always seperated her from her family members. I felt guilty, but i’m never too late, and i prayed that her mother will be better, and her father.

I am also worried that during this May day that i will have bad thoughts, but i must remain still. I insist that from the beginning in my friendship with R, that i wanted things to be different. Not necessarily better from hindsight, that difference became indifference. I am positive, and that i can still make a better difference from within myself.

Last night i walked to bishan park, alone, after feeling frustrated, that i couldnt operate properly walking, talking and pressing elevator buttons. I listened to robin guthrie’s and harold budd’s mysterious skin. Along the walk i wasn’t just thinking, but i allowed myself to feel the thoughts. I haven’t listened to music in a long time, but i felt that it was ok to try. The music meant alot to me, because its about hope, love, companionship, consolation and surrender. Each step was heavy i admit, but when i walked into the park, there i was, back in Oklahoma, in that park during christmas with all the lights. Then, i was thinking so much about V, but strayed many times to think about R still, strange that i remembered. I also remember wanting to let R hear this music before i die at least once.

Then i sat beside the lake in the middle of bishan park, and heard some metal core music. It was coming from some dark bush in front of me, sounding it was playing from a handphone.

I stared out into the lake, and like van gogh’s starry night, i let all the park lights all come together. I wasn’t reminiscing about the past, but i was thinking about my dreams and the future. I imagined D and my primary school self, beside me, running around. My heart wasn’t only full of love, i mean everybody’s heart is full of love it depends on what they do with it, but it was full of hope as to where it will be going, even though i don’t know where. I then got up and thought; i am still sick, and will get well.

After that i walked home, and i went to the bus stop outside my place to sit down. I saw the last 851 go pass me; i do not know where it came from, but i know where it will go and pass. All of a sudden this cat just jumped on my lap. It was grey with black stripes and had the biggest eyes. I then patted it, and it adjusted itself in my lap. I then remembered my dog, Pinky, and how i always thought in some strange eulogy i wrote in my head after she died, that she taught me unconditional love. It’s easier said then done, and i didn’t do it. I’m still getting better at being myself. After awhile i said bye bye to the cat and went back. Feeling somewhat strange, but strange is always good, because it shows that i’m getting better.

3:38 left

I just had the longest sleep in quite some time. But still have wierd dreams. Which means im not trying hard enough really. I must now start thinking about the dream i had. i must focus on the aplication im doing later on at 2pm. i think i know certain things but actually i don’t. so stop thinking about shit shaun. keep focus. The hard part is keeping on track and being consistent.

3:21 left

I’ve been deferred from my ICT, which is a good thing and a bad thing, but i have to trust P. I think it helps me focus more on using this time to rest and recover abit more. I feel asleep after i had out-processed and woke up feeling very terrible inside and my head. I then went for mass and then the bad thoughts came again about R. I kept telling myself that i have to let God take care of me, i cannot change anything else except myself. After that i went to thomson plaza, and walked around. I tried to look for a good CD to listen to help me unwind, but couldnt. Tried to find a book but couldn’t as well. At least i’ve planned on watching Alien today, which is my favourite version of 2001 space odyssey. I have noticed that i have become very sensitive to loud sounds and everything. Today at the briefing, there was a video playing, and the audio from it was terribly loud.

U know i really think that i shouldn’t be writing this much on this blog. But then again it could be paranoia acting and i shouldn’t do anything about it. I should reasses how writing on this blog helps me cope really. Is it me falling into that same mentality as before, like that dumb “secret” place where i can be honest. It’s the internet dude. I can’t help but think this way, because the more i sleep, the more my mind becomes clearer, and the more i feel the emotions taking over my head again. I have to suppress them i think i don’t know anymore really. All i know is that marcus has already sent the referral and i will apply for the job asap. When i think about going out, it starts again, the fear. But then i think what is the fear? That teenage sadness? I know i don’t want that. I have to learn how to protect myself, and take care of myself. I must remember that like the flu, i am sick and need to be careful what i consume.

V had told me, to start drawing. I went for the counselling session at old St Andrew’s Primary, it was nice. I was from there. It still smells the same, of crayons and the white plaster on the walls. The brown ochre coloured tiles, and the concrete line running up against the floor. The class rooms have now been converted to offices, but it still looks the same. I can imagine myself, S, running up and down the staircases, legs aching to overcome two steps at one one. I used to like doing that, because it made me feel good that i could move faster, and that the staircases were very scary and dark even in the day. I then looked over the parapet into the quadrangle, to look at the other classrooms. Mentally, i was remembering each place. Then i imagined (but it was so real) my younger self, at my side. I carried him and placed him on the parapet, and talked to little shaun. Just asked how are you (when i actually knew that he was fine) and he said that he’s nervous about the test, and his chinese is bad. Then i thought about D, how things would’ve been different. I could smell the washing powder, the hair gel and the grass all at once as nostalgia kicked in. V then called me into the office.

As i was walking out, i rememebr a place at the entrance, where i would meet Brandon for the first time in my life, and we would talk. I also fainted at the same spot, from asthma, and was sent to the sick bay. I woke up, to a dark corridor, with the echo of heel on floor, and the glow of green light from the tinted glass. I remember just lying there paralysed, still heaving from the attack, i thought i was dying. I remember thinking to myself, i don’t want to die, i want to be there with mummy and daddy, maybe daddy will get me a new copy of MAD magazine and i will laugh.

Most of the time, now, i realise that alot of what im going through now, R did. I was there to comfort her, sometimes, when she was like that. I was looking at buildings and i appreciated the calming effect that it had. Many things as well, that i try not to think about. I just can’t listen,play music and read for the time being, i am not well. I will get well, i believe still even when i don’t feel it, i am still healing day by day, every time i sleep. Even when i bathe. I am getting better. As to how i will be when i’m better, i don’t know, and i dont want to think about it. i must focus. very hard.

10:00 left

I just went to see P. P. was quite certain about things. V was as well. both of them offered two sides of the coin, one for advice one for science. It pretty much like 2001 space odyssey a great art science fiction film. I have to do this, slowly step by step. D, Im getting better already i can feel it, slowly, so that i can do R proud. This is all about myself, focusing like mad. Ironing out all the bad things in my head D. Next week at mass, I will offer mass for you. Then it’d be ok, slowly step at a time. D, don’t worry im getting better, i just have to get some sleep so that i can think clearly. I am thinking very clearly now. The screen im writing on is so much brighter, and it tells me how much brighter life can be. D, i have to take a break now slow down, its ok that my other friends are busy on their own things. Don’t worry, I have other friends, old and new, that will help my mind correct itself, undo all the bad people in my head. So that i can take care of R properly, by not doing anything or something. P, was very nice to me, even though have to pay P money to help. Slowly he say, i have to chill. Haha so funny have to pay P so much so that he can say that.

I also know that R felt like that many times, and i couldnt help her. She may be feeling like that now but i know that it’ll be ok. Like how R is now, i’ll be ok. Soon all these things will go away, because i will become stronger. I am understanding more and more of how R felt. Looking at R, i will be ok, she also say that, because she has gone thru this and all already. The difference is the response. I am responding well D. I can feel it nearer, but i can not see it nearer, and cannot think it nearer, so i must make it nearer.

P tells me that this may not be situational, and i know that, because alot of problems was when i was meeting R often. I hurt her with these things that i cannot control. Soon, i’ll be able to control, because i stop letting music eat my brain. V tells me good things, i might ask R to talk to V. In the meantime i cannot say when i can talk to R, because i am still getting better. I also know that when i get better in my mind, there are still so many things to do with my hands. Slowly step at a time.

2:55 left

I guess the worst feeling now, is that i actually called R, after well the mutual meeting and decision to call it day. Not only once but a few times, i really shouldn’t have called and be bare and vulnerable again. I could go in circles again about, it but really no. It makes things worse. For myself, its not going to make things worse for her, its not going to do anything for her. Most probably, it’d make really think that im not the right kind of person or friend, and that it made the time spent not worth it.

I have to make plans now, it’s pretty obivious that i can’t listen to music, both sad and happy or whatever. This is because the period spent with her was also the time, where i listened to the most amount of music. My plans are as such: To get a job, to change my worldview and not sink into the same kind denial i was in. Basically from the writings in my journal. I’d like to think that i’m back at oklahoma, at the park with all the pretty lights. I also want to look happy and be good, even though i know that i struggling inside. I really want things to be great for me, focus on myself, because the reason why this happened is because I failed to do anything when i had the chance to, and the person who told me the most was R. Not anyone else. This is different, and i will do it differently. Time to get better at being myself.

5:41 left

I was looking for some old pictures after trying to keep myself sane, by reading old journals. It’s amazing how much shit i can write and not write about the things that matter, i filled it up with nothing but bullshit but notes on theories on music, rock music. I found some old pictures of R. It was the old pictures that i was looking for so long. The pictures can’t be read on my Mac and could only be on my windows computer. I was totally shocked. I had thought all along that they were lost. I admit to looking at these pictures. They were dated 25/06/07. It was that day that i could’ve changed everything, and it did.

I miss you R so much, but i understand as well, that its now time for me to take care of issues that i didnt. Based on my journals, around that time, those issues were the things that i didn’t deal with. It was important that i dealt with them before i said that i loved you. Tomorrow i will be dealing with them, i will be open and try to work them out. I will make sure after i’ve dealt with them, i can say i love you but this time from a deeper self. Its not about me having a job or a steady income, it’s about my worldview and my values. You couldnt have helped me after i’ve heard from the pros that these are issues that go way back, and way too deep. Now is that pivotal point in my life where i can make things the way in me that are meant to be. R, i want you so much that it hurts, and i am saddened because i know somehow u do as well. Even so, dumbo needs to get out of the zoo of his mind. So that dumbo can catch u again, just like that day at gramaphone.

I miss you so much R, and i feel so terrible that i couldnt do what i supposed to when i could.

1:49 left

ok here’s a tough effort to go tough on myself.

I spent the last two days, digging deep. Ended up hallucinating at mass, which was really scary. Scared me alot.

I am going to walk away from all that before i go into reservist. I took a walk to the nearest ATM, checked on cash balances, and realised that i may not have enough cash to buy enough packs of cigarettes for my in camp. Ive already sent a few applications, i can’t remember how many but i just sent them. Realised that i missed the application dead line for NAC’s Noise festival executive position.

I just have to suck my stomach in, really. Later on, i’m going to mass and im going to learn how to contain my heart into that half an hour. I’m ok, really, im just physically and mentally adjusting to things there were there before. Its not like its the first time, even the grave news this morning isn’t going to affect me, as i try to stand up and let the blood start up in my legs.

My brain is not working properly, and whatever i’m thinking is doubtful but i have to keep it clear and clean. If i don’t know what to do, i can always ask around. It’s ok. It’s alright people aren’t that scary. My brain even in its current state is still aware of what it’s doing and i can control it. As for my heart that’s what’s been messing my noggin around.

I can’t be thinking about coping mechanisms and what to do when the shit hits the fan, i just have to die trying, at least. This is going to be different because i am making a conscious effort, that is different. I admit that i have over-reacted just now to things internally, and let it all come out in a mess.

It’s not about self reflection and realising anymore like how daren says, its about doing. By going professional. I can fix all the things that brought me here in the first place, and to be a better lover to everyone. My hope has to extend, in my heart, from just R, but not from there only. It has to go into myself. Even though the bad people have been eating me up i will not let them eat me up.

I hope to one day be able even to look at R’s photos and say, im better. Then i will truly forgive. One step that J suggested is that i offer up mass for D. I will attend that mass, and who knows what will happen. Who knows what will happen when i try like this, esp when i know that im doing this alone and freely. i live at extremes in my head, but i will choose the good better extreme. strange how always see left as the bad one, and right, well, the right one.

2:51 left

its getting harder and my thoughts are getting looser, like rubber band. The feelings are flooding, just after i have closed my eyes for awhile behind. Somewhere i know that its going to turn into anger, im afraid that the anger will turn against me. I have to respect this space, but i must not fill the space up with things. I admit that im still struggling with confusion, in my head with things that R told me. I must respect that space so that i can work on it.

I feel glad that i’m working on it, no matter how painful it is. I have to tell my parents on my steps towards being the best person i am in 28 years, for them and hopefully for R and Darcy. At least i am certain after a short diagnosis that its such. Im pretty embarassed and full of shame that its like that. The scary thing is that its being like that for so long. Even when R was around. Im now feeling terrible because im not sure what the fianancial costs are. But i want to be better in all my 28 years for everyone and R. I keep thinking and it feels that space sometimes with bad things about R. I think its not fair to Darcy also. I know that on my own, this state will go, but this time i want to make it count and arrest things as they are so that i don’t let the bad people take me again. The issue is that i keep thinking about how R is, and afraid that she do something that will affect her chances of dealing with her issues esp, when she’s working so hard.

I really want to be better inside but i realise its been like that for so long. I know that R knows and sees me beyond these things, but the thing she doesnt know is how to help me get out of this. I have to keep this space so that i can repair myself, these damages so that i can live properly. i am very sad.

1:28 left

I need to focus. veyr tired already. i feel very tired. but the stupid thing is that i thinking way too much. ive been spending the past hour looking at job page after job page. now that i’ve spruced up my resume. Which looks nice. I need to send it. this is stage 2. have to get it on. i might pick up this telemarketing job part time after i finish my reservist stint.

just now i spend some time playing the guitar with my casio mt. it was nice. then i start playing slowdive and alison. then i really closed my eyes and tried to get out of it. strange how u use dreams to get out of this dreamy state. it is so vanilia sky. i hope that i can sleep tonight. and that i will be able to send more resumes tomorrow. to get that job i need alot of money for my future, just in case. I have to really be able to love myself. Just now i took a nap, and i realised that i really feel in some way that ive forgotten what home is even. Thanks to my sheltered life. It’s so easy to forget. i Dont want to anymore. Esp not without zero cash.

I know that i can do this. i can get a job and really get it on. all the money, i have had all my fun and games already, i dont want them anymore. i really dont want. i know what i want but i cannot think of that now. For fuck u think of that now. Now chao piah larh. attack. later on then u think about these things. ho boh?

1:46 left. wake up shaun wake up